There is a long tradition of college related comedy classics: Fast Times at Ridgemont High, National Lampoon’s Animal House, Revenge of the Nerds, even Accepted. College will not be listed among these movies. Kevin (Drake Bell) is a “loser” who doesn’t drink and doesn’t know how to have fun and thus is unceremoniously dumped by his girlfriend, Gina (Alona Tal). Along with his nerd pal, Morris (Kevin Covais), and loud lout Carter (Andrew Caldwell), these high school seniors go to visit a local college campus as prospective freshmen.

“Do you think this is what it’s really going to be like when we’re in college?” –Morris

The trio were inspired by this rant from their friend Fletcher (Ryan Pinkston): “Basically this is how it went down, I didn’t sleep for three days, ok I don’t have any money left in my bank account, I maxed out my parents credit card, which was only supposed to be used in case of an emergency. I lost my cell phone which is actually my dad’s phone, so he’s pissed about that and the credit card. I tried smoking a tampon which I thought was a big fat joint, still got high. I stole a car, got in a bar fight, ate some goldfish, played naked Frisbee, did some whip-its, wet my brother’s bed twice, shit my pants once, but please — don’t tell anyone I’m kind of embarrassed about that. I saw two girls make out — with tongue. With tongue. Watched my brother’s roommates eat as many cheeseburgers as they could until one of them threw up. Found a tattoo on my lower back of a unicorn, don’t remember getting that. Figure I’ll just tell people it’s like a killer unicorn, you know, so it doesn’t sound so gay. I laughed, I cried, fell in love. Oh yeah, and did I mention earlier that I got laid? Three times — different girls. So all in all, I’d say it was the best weekend of my fucking life.”

Actually, that rant pretty much sums up the plot of the movie. With having a great weekend to get back at a girl as their motivation, it’s no wonder things go horribly awry as they fall into the hands of frat boys and their sadistic ideas of hazing.

“You call this having a good time?” –Morris

Craziness, party, sex, and drinking; actually, that pretty much does sound like many of our college experiences. The emptiness of endless (frat) parties mask an effort to figure out who they are away from the shaping of their families shape us, or how their friends have defined them, or the fronts they put up in order to appeal to potential mates (or temporary bed partners). The lie of self-sufficiency, fear, doubt, anxiety, broken relationships; we fill our inner void, this inner dissatisfaction with having fun, empty sex, or whatever idea of being cool we generate. And yet, we can’t escape the ache of emptiness.

College might aspire to be this generation’s Porky’s. It has plenty of gratuitous nudity, with too few laughs to go along with it. A variety of bodily fluids does not a plot make. I get the feeling this movie would have been funnier if I were as drunk as the characters.

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