Please forgive my language, but it’s true.

You see, I’m a no name writer. I’m out here toiling away in relative anonymity. I see the accolades, respect, and fans these two loud mouths of the industry have, and I’m resentful. I see their message board personas and decide “I can do that, too.”

Except I’m real. I’m me. I’m not gonna be a kiss ass. I’m going to tell the truth. No bull shit here.

Yay for me!

So let me jump on the message boards where these guys used to frequent and attempt to hold court. “Look at me. I’ve arrived.” Now, I’m going to dish out my brand of wisdom and insight that I’ve accumulated in all the years that I’ve watched the writing game from the shadows. Wait a second, seasoned professionals seem to keep rising up to challenge me. They seem bent on correcting much of the stuff that comes spewing out of my keyboard. My literary heroes are … hacks. Either that or they’re afraid. Yes, that must be it, they’re afraid of Keene and Mamatas.

But I’m not.

They’re dicks.

I know. I’ll start an LiveJournal/Xanga/Message Board and engage in some truth-telling-cum-keyboard masturbation. Wait, no one seems to care. If only I say something outrageous, I mean, courageous enough. Maybe I’ll call up Keene and Mamatas as the over-rated whores that they are. Oh crap, I mean, good, they show up. As have their minions. Oh, yeah, they’re minions. People like Keene and Mamatas don’t have friends.

Behold the LJ drama.

Hmm, maybe all these people shouting me down and me having to defend myself isn’t how I want to spend my days. Then again, I do like the attention. Everyone knows who I am, even if it isn’t for my work.

Once a year or so, a writer like me pops up, all sturm und drang, rattling cages, declaring the old guard dead, even as they head the new revolution. I make a lot of noise for a year or so, then burn out or go away. Hopefully, I will re-think my career, my immaturity, (the fact that my message and talent get lost in the noise), and my poor choices. Maybe during that time away, I will hone my craft. Until then …

Nick Kaufmann is a dick, too.

Everyone’s a dick except me.

I’m right. I know everything all ready.

Yes, this is exactly how I want to make a name for myself.

I’m so brill.