I tried to explain the idea of Santa to our boys. I told them that if you see a fat white guy with a sack of stuff in our house, he’s a crackhead. My wife pointed out how silly I was being: there’s no such thing as a fat crackhead.

In any event, not that I got any of the following gifts, but I wanted to have some pre-emptive suggestions for those that don’t know me. So, in the spirit of lack of perspective and misplaced priorities, here are some ideas on what to get me in the future:

-don’t name a star after me. I may be vain, but I’m practical. Simply give me the cash.

-just because I politely laughed at your singing fish does not mean that I want one. Just give me the cash.

-if you don’t have any ideas, simply send me a card, write something heartfelt in it, and slip in the cash you would’ve spent on a gift.