Let me preface this by saying that I’m not a racist. You know this, you’re one of my best friends and you know that I’ve never treated you any different. I’ve even had you over to my house. You know me: I don’t see color; people are people. I just didn’t know if anyone had ever done this, but I thought you were long overdue for this compliment: you’re different from other black people. You’re so well spoken. You’re not angry. I know that I’d have no problem if you dated a white woman (not related to me). So I wanted you to know that when I talk about “those” people, I don’t mean you. (Or [insert “other” name], the black guy that I work with. Maybe you know him?)

I know you hate it when people come to you expecting you to comment on stuff just because black people are involved somehow. That’s not me, however. The main reason that I wanted to get in touch with you is that I wanted to run an idea–not necessarily my opinion–by you about [Insert relevant issue of the day or runaway thread on a message board.] I don’t think some people get how oppressed we as white males are in this society. We are constantly blamed for everything and put upon for things that we haven’t done. Welfare is a handout. I don’t see why I should be forced to reward lazy people by giving them some of my hard earned money. I’ve never owned slaves, in fact, my ancestors weren’t even here during all of that. So it’s not like I, as a white male, have benefitted in society because of slavery. It was so long ago, and it’s not like you were a slave, so it’s not like you need reparations or whatever it is you people (well, not you, but you know what I mean–don’t be so sensitive) go on about.

If they’re so unhappy here, I don’t see why you don’t just go back to Africa. Why can’t they just be “Americans”? I’m tired of all this PC crap and people having such thin skins and no sense of humor.

Since we’re friends, and you know that I don’t hate you, I think that you should know that I think affirmative action is unfair. It’s reverse racism, because we, as white males, need our own classification of racism. The father of a friend of my second cousin on my mother’s side who I usually avoid at family reunions once got passed over for a promotion once. The job was given to this black woman who wasn’t as qualified.

I’ve heard you mention how you hate to answer questions that begin “why do black people?” Sheesh, some white people can be so lame. Luckily, I’m down (it is “down”, right? You people are so creative. I love that hippety hop stuff) with you. I’m still don’t think it’s fair that you get to use the N-word and I can’t (or why you can’t just celebrate Christmas like other Americans), but I can relate on so much other stuff. Tiger Woods. Will Smith. The Williams Sisters. Whitney Houston (until she got with Bobby Brown).

Please agree with me so that I can announce my opinions as vetted by an actual Negro that I know. Fo’ shizzle my nizzle (I love what you people do with language. I don’t mean you, you’re so well-spoken).

Now, can I touch your hair?


Friend of Black Person

I wish there were more people like you out there. We need more of that kind of diversity.

Did I mention that it’s not like I can tell the difference anyway. I don’t see color.