As the year draws to an end, maybe we should all have mirror conversations. You know, when we look in the mirror and realize that we aren’t where we were meant to be, not doing what we were meant to do, not living how we were meant to live. In short, when we realize that we aren’t the people we were meant to be – and we try and figure out why:

My parents. They didn’t love me like they should have. They didn’t nurture me. They belittled me, even filled my head with false images of myself and my potential.

My childhood. People shunned me, were mean to me. You can’t judge me because you don’t know where I’ve been or what I’ve been through.

My friends. Failed to be there for me. Stabbed me in the back at times. Them with their cliques that I wasn’t good enough for.

My significant other. Should listen to me better. Should understand me more. Should be better at meeting my needs. On the whole, they don’t respect me, not the way I should be.

Criminals. All those worthless f-ks who hurt the innocent, who hurt people I care about. Who make me live in fear and make me feel terrorized and helpless.

My culture. Lost and directionless, what more can I say? With its misplaced sense of morality, values, and right and wrong. Buying into all the wrong ideas about how to treat women, money, and what kind of lifestyle to lead. With its loss of community as we prey on one another.

Other cultures. Screw them. They’ve denied me opportunities, that is, when they weren’t persecuting me for one reason or another. Then they have the nerve to complain if I dare bring up their culpability in why I am where I am or where they are.

The Church. Running around in Jesus’ name, spreading hate and divisiveness. A bunch of hypocrites going on and on about the sins of others, all the while covering up their own sins. Continuing to let me down.

God. Who created all of this then turned His back on His creation. On us. On me. He has a lot to answer for.

Eventually, we run out of people to blame and are left with the person staring at us in the mirror. I mean, God? Who am I to demand anything of Him? What’s He going to say that I’m going to understand (or deserve to hear)? For all my complaints about the church, I’ve rarely been a part of one long enough to make a difference in one. I’ve been a poor child, a poor parent, a poor friend, and so uncomfortable in my own skin and with who I am, I’m stunned I can even function through any given day. In my relationships, I’ve constantly failed to hold up my end of things, more concerned with my needs being met that I can’t see past myself to meet their needs.
Maybe I’ve squandered the opportunities that have come my way, so convinced that I was going to fail anyway that I sabotaged things before they got started. Maybe I am the problem and maybe that is where the beginning of the solution lies. Maybe there’s something within my nature, my character, my weakness that needs to change.

It’s only a thought. An end of self thought.

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