I hate getting caught up in other people’s drama. Be it messy previous relationships or the consequences of their own bad decision making, some folks have self-destructive tendencies and the drama rarely seems to end with them. I suspect that they thrive on it half the time. Whether through their own insecurity or selfish behavior, most of the time these are dilemmas of their own making. Life becomes about meeting their own needs. Granted there is a perverse entertainment value in watching a plane crash; people can’t stop staring at wrecks. I don’t want to be collateral damage

Part of this is a spiral of self-hate. They have such a self-loathing, believing that things aren’t supposed to work out from them, that they don’t trust good things coming into their lives. So that even when things are going well, they have to do something, revert to some previous poor behavior, in order to sabotage things. In the process, they inflict damage on their partner as well as the other relationships in their lives. Friendships. Kids. Family.

Just like with mourning times after a break up, sometimes it is better to be alone for a while; a time for reflection and self-evaluation as you get your act together. This time of contemplation would be a good time to quit blaming others (an end of self moment) and look inward. Examine the mess and clean it up. Own who you are, own your own mistakes, and chart a course of the muck and mire of your present situation – fix yourself, find your path, not to be perfect, but to take account of your personal and moral failings. A part of owning your mistakes means confessing them, and seeking to become whole. On one hand, no one expects you to be perfect before you can date. On the other hand, you shouldn’t be looking for a relationship to cure you of being who you are. What we should be expecting is being on a journey to become whole.

Wholeness is attainable, and a journey of growth is what we should all be on.

Self-destructive isn’t cute, nor is it attractive, though I’m sure it appeals to those folks who are compelled to rescue the people they date. While we want to accept people where/as they are (in order to get away from our need to fix people or re-shape them into an image we want), this needs to be balanced by the fact that some people aren’t in a place where they are ready to be in a relationship. Those folks need to learn to look past themselves and their own needs. Relationship about the other person. Finding your needs met in being a blessing to another, not tearing them down or apart in the wake of your self-hate spiral.

I can love you wherever you are, but there are times when I will love you from “over there,” because some relationships will only be toxic.

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