Back when I was in Youth Group, we went on a one of those week long retreats, pretty similar to an intense Bible Camp. Well, during the free time of our first day, a group of us were in a swimming pool and a group of us were frolicking about merrily when one of my friends lost her bikini top. This happened right in front of me and another kid who happened to be three years my junior. After a few moments, I pointed out to her that she had lost her top. She grabbed it, ducked underwater, came up a little red-cheeked from the experience, but otherwise intact. We had a good laugh about it. The only lingering tell-tale sign that something transcendent had occurred was only in the fact that for the rest of that week, the kid who was my junior followed her around like a lost puppy. It was as if he’d seen the face of God and now lived in expectation of seeing Him again.

As I recalled that formative moment from my youth, I had an epiphany: I have a one word proof text for the existence of God: boobies. All me to exegete this from Scripture:

“He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.” Colossians 1:17

God made everything. Including boobies.

“A loving doe, a graceful deer—may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love.” Proverbs 5:19

See? We’re commanded to be satisfied in them. Who can’t get behind a God like that? And there’s even a textual example as Solomon rolls out the big pimpin’ lines (though I don’t know what kind of women he was hanging out with as he kept comparing boobies to fawns earlier in the book):

“Your stature is like that of the palm, and your breasts like clusters of fruit. I said, “I will climb the palm tree; I will take hold of its fruit.”” Song of Solomon 7:7-8

That’s why they call these books the wisdom passages! Holla if you hear me! Even Aaron had to raise his hands in the air and wave them like he just didn’t care:

“Aaron waved the breasts and the right thigh before the LORD as a wave offering, as Moses commanded.” Leviticus 9:21

And for those who doubt the application of such a revelation, go see my friend Evie expound on how the church is like a bra.**

I can’t relate at all to folks taking a verse out of context and building a whole message out of it. But I obviously have time to kill. I have no idea why I’m always on speaking probation at my church. That’s why we have this blog. MauriceBroaddus.com: your one-stop shop for theology and boobies.

Yeah, I probably won’t be asked to write anymore tracts. Hey, I’ve been sick and I’m high on medication. That’s right, boy, I’ve been cooking up some Thera Flu.

*Um, all of you daughters of Eve may want to go ahead and skip this one. BTW, the alternative title for this one was “My Bible brings all the boys to the yard”

**Hmm, why don’t I post this on a Saturday when people are less likely to be reading this.