Hey, we enjoyed Indiana, but it was definitely time to go. And while Indiana’s new tourism slogan — “Restart your engines” — doesn’t exactly get our motors running, neither is it a clunker. The bigger challenge for attracting tourists to Indiana isn’t picking a slogan; it’s the amount of money the state invests in the effort. The state’s tourism budget ranks 42nd in the nation, and well below neighboring competitors such as Illinois.

And that’s why this state needs me. Hi, I’m Maurice Broaddus, new marketing consultant for the state of Indiana tourism. I’ve been tapped to come up with a comprehensive campaign designed to highlight all of the great things about this state. Who knew that states even had useful mottoes? “The Crossroads of America” was fine when we all used maps, but we’ve got gps now. We’ve entered a new age and a new age demands a new paradigm. Long gone are the days of one motto. No, what we need are many, rotating mottos. Why be limited to only one identity?

Sure, some have scoffed because I can’t even come up with a motto for my message board, but I say, this black man shall get the last laugh.

Here’s the list thus far, culled from my best consultants:
Indiana: Brown people don’t scare us. Much.
Indiana: As long as it’s not Sunday, it’s time to drink!
Indiana: Now in the 20th century with Daylight Savings Time.
Indiana: We don’t really know what the f$!% a Hoosier is, either!
Indiana- Play euchre. Warsh the car. And try not to fall in the crick.
Indiana: Could be worse…this could be Kentucky.
Indiana: We’re nice!
Indiana: It could be so much worse.
Indiana: If there was more than corn here, we’d sing about that instead.
Indiana: It may have been an accident, but you’re here now. Enjoy it.
Indiana: You think we only have corn? Look at our goose poop.
Indiana: How the hell did we get here?
Indiana: We gave you four years of Quayle jokes.
Indiana: Come for our basketball and tornadoes.
Indiana: Where good sports teams go to choke.
Indiana: We made driving in a circle a national sport.
Indiana: If you lived here … you’d be complaining like the rest of us.
Indiana: Where even the dead can cast a vote. And they vote republican, baby!
Indiana: We were the 19th state, but first in your heart.
Indiana: We gave you Bobby Knight. And Hoosiers.

And my personal favorite:

Indiana: We now have black people in every county!

Keep in mind that no state motto is complete unless it can be put to music and sang by Jim Nabors. Anyway, like the editorial said, one motto can’t hype all that we have to offer. We have Santa Clause, Indiana, where it’s Christmas year round. We have the world’s largest ball of paint, the House of Bells, and the world’s largest sycamore stump. When our nudists need to know what time it is, we have the giant lady’s leg sundial. And who, what right-thinking American, can pass up a visit to the RV Hall of Fame? And you can’t make fun of us for being hicks with no sense of humor: we name our malls after female body parts (come on, say “Clay Terrace” with a straight face). No state gives you all of this.

I am setting an appointment with Governor “My Man Mitch” Daniels now.

Brilliant!

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I don’t have time to always check the comments all the places where this rant is posted. If you want to make sure that I see it or just want to stop by and say hi, do so on my message board.