This whole path of becoming a pastor isn’t a lock. There’s nothing like starting a new ministry, or getting involved in the nuts and bolts of an existing church to open your eyes to the politics, power struggles, and pettiness that goes along. I know that the ideal is that the book that is the governing how things ought to run in the church is the Holy Bible, but the reality is more like Machiavelli’s The Prince.

I say this because I was warned not to do anything too controversial. We’re in that delicate phase of raising money to start, until we can become self-sustaining; building a coalition of different groups with the same vision. And on too many occasions apparently, when told who the co-pastor would be, people have made comments like “Maurice Broaddus? Last time I saw him, he was wearing a coconut bra.”

[It was a luau. For my wife’s birthday. And my parties are … enthusiastic. Anyway, I looked good in a grass skirt. But, some people find that too disturbing an image for their pastor.]

So, no more me referring to communion wine as “Jesus shots” or advocating for a tastier savior (since those communion wafers are nasty).

But then there’s the grief for me advertising the message boards that I frequent. The chief offender being the Message Board of the Damned . Hey, you can’t castigate horror enthusiasts as being destined for hell, then be mad when they play into that image. But, in the spirit of conciliation, I am willing to make some compromises. With all due apologies to our hosts David Wilbanks, Robert Lee, and Loki over at MBOTD, I am staging a coup.

Welcome to the all new Message Board of the Darned.

To make those who obviously know God’s rules on who and who we shouldn’t associate with, here are the new rules:

1. Homosexuals are out. If they insist on hanging around, they need to be protested. Just the way Jesus would’ve wanted.

2. No cussing.

3. No boobies. We’ve all heard rumors about what goes on in the chat room. In fact, no sex talk at all, even from married people, because that a private thing that belongs only between a husband and a wife. No one needs to know if you actually “do it.”

4. No poop. We’ve heard the talk, but no more. Poop belongs in you or in the proper waste receptacles. Not on the board.

5. And I am hereby un-banning conscientious Christian objectors. Their wisdom only shines a light on others’ sin and makes all of us Christians look good.

Enjoy the new board. That’s what spirituality is about. Jesus died for no boobies and no cussing.

Idiots.