It takes a while for repentance to travel from your head to your heart. I don’t know, maybe that’s part of the process: First getting your mind around things then it slowly sinking into your heart. So this morning, right in the middle of work, things finally hit me and left me laid flat out.

Lord, I’d pray that against You and You alone have I sinned, but that’s not quite how I feel. I’ve hurt my wife. I’ve hurt my children. I’ve hurt my sister. I’ve hurt my closest friends. I’ve hurt my church community. I’ve hurt people I barely know. I’ve failed at so much, I still can’t put my mind around it.

And I ache.

I ached at the depth of my sin. I ache for all the pain that I’ve caused. I’m humbled before You, Lord. I’m at the end of my ability to control my own life, at the end of trying to spin the story of my life.

I’m tired of lashing out in pain.
I’m tired of hurting.
I’m tired of not truly connecting to people.
I’m tired of living life so afraid of being hurt. Of being rejected.
I’m tired of putting on such elaborate artifice and calling it “me”.
I’m tired of the walls keeping me from loving and being loved.

Forgive me. I long to experience You, to truly experience You. I want the new life You’ve called me to. And I pray for the faith to believe that it’s there for me.

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Full Disclosure:

Secret Lives, Secret Shame

Walking Through My Failings

Double Lives

For the Record …

On the Idea of Confessing

Emotional Affairs (aka No Longer “Just Friends”)

Good Days, Bad Days (On Despair)

Prayer of Repentance

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