Well, I recanted my vow from last week about not going to this year’s state fair. The temperatures were in the 90s and the humidity was ridiculous. The organizers of the fair were fretting that the weather had impacted the number of attendees, significantly down from last year’s record breaking 900,000+ visitors. Then Monday, a storm passed through, at least temporarily taking the humidity with it. So for those of you who don’t get a chance to make it to a good old-fashioned state fair, here’s what I took home (you would have had accompanying pictures, but our digital camera crapped out on us):

7. Fair clowns are creepy. My boys love them because they haven’t learned to fear clowns, but that doesn’t mean that they aren’t a creepy lot. Especially the grandma clowns.

6. Tractor parades. There’s just something so … Indiana about them. Anyway, you got to give props to the people who grow/raise your food.

5. Daisy Duke hooker fashion. I’m not a fan of the death of modesty. A friend of mine has a similar take on this. Don’t get me wrong, I love women. I love looking at women. However, some outfits aren’t flattering on anybody.

4. Eat from all meat groups. State Fairs are supposed to be a celebration of food. I personally like knowing where my food comes from; if it’s not an issue for lions, then I’m over it. There’s something reassuring about knowing that I’m on the top of the food chain. As far as I’m concerned, that’s what you threaten your pigs with: “you see what happens to the bad pigs? Now shape up.” And while I love the irony of placing the pork food tent outside of the pig barn, my wife finds it unnecessarily cruel for them to post recipes. She doesn’t like to be reminded that her food once had a face and really hates meeting it before she eats it. She’s not a vegetarian by any stretch, but it’s like she believes that there’s this magical place in grocery stores when animals are born headless and pre-packaged after willingly wanting to feed us.

3. Deep Fried Reese’s Cups are not as good as Deep Fried Snickers Bars. There is nothing like carny food. Our finicky eaters couldn’t get enough of the corn dogs, steak sandwiches, tenderloins, pineapple whips, and elephant ears. (Okay, the St. Elmo’s Steak House shrimp cocktails had that “one of these things is doing it’s own thing” vibe to it.) Even though frying makes everything tastes better, I didn’t bother with the deep fried moon pies or deep fried Twinkies: I don’t like them much unfried. I’m waiting for next year’s deep fried salads, you know, for the health conscious (though remember, there are no fat carnies).

2. Cloggers. Cloggers. Cloggers. Don’t ask me why, but my fair experience is not complete unless I’ve had meat on a stick (I love stick mounted food) and watched some down home clog dancing. I’m hypnotized by it.

1. The World’s Largest Boar. By strange coincidence, we also had the world’s second largest boar right next to him, both were surprisingly inactive (I suppose that’s key to the “largest” part of his title). The world’s largest boar comes equipped with the world’s largest set of nads. Which means you have to be prepared to answer the following question: “Daddy, what are those?”

(You may now choose from the following selection as to what my answer was: a) a tumor, b) he likes to sleep with basketballs, c) you got ‘em and that’s what happens when you play with them too much.)

Maybe it’s a good thing that the camera didn’t work.

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