OR, “Why my wife is ready to quit her job and devote herself to full-time de-programming of our boys.” Reason #9931:

So the other day I sat the boys down because I felt that it was important that we have one of those conversations. [Actually two of those conversations, since the first one had to explain why we aren’t allowed to watch South Park anymore. You see, I’d been quoting Chef by saying “Children, there is a time and a place to do drugs and it’s called college.” Between that and Reese (age 4) telling his brother Malcolm (age 3) to “respect his authoritay”, it was all over for us.]

Part of the problem is my boys’ inability to keep a secret. Everyday when I come home from work at noon, I am greeted by them yelling “DADDY!” then rushing to see me. I’m a little disturbed by how surprised they sound each day, as if they are stunned that I bothered coming back. My wife, however, is greeted with “guess what daddy let us do!”

This brings me back to our conversation. “Boys,” I say in my faux-stern, daddy’s almost being serious voice, “there are a lot of bad people in the world and sometimes they do bad things. For that matter, sometimes bad things happen for no reason. So it’s always best that we plan ahead and be prepared. Do you understand?”

They nodded their head, dutifully staring up at their all-knowing and benevolently wise father. I get that look confused with “hurry up and say what you have to say then give us cookies for lunch again.”

“We need to decide, in the case of an emergency, who we would eat first.” This proved quite the fervent discussion. We decided that neither of them could be eaten because 1) they are far too skinny (this has nothing to do with daddy’s cookies and Coke for lunch menu selection) and 2) I need my genes to be passed along. Our cat, Dinsdale, didn’t fare as well, since he’s about the size of a chicken, and we all know that I have enough recipes to stretch one chicken out for a week of meals.

Mom didn’t fare too well either. But we decided that because we’d miss her, we’d only eat a leg and then hunt for better options.

This was followed up with the evening greeting of “guess what we decided today!”

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Comment on this bit of rantus interruptus anyway you want (I don’t know where you’re reading it from) or just do so at my message board.